I don't have issues, I have opinions.
-Ben (ed. they're issues)

At 1:30 a.m. we awake to someone blasting music, it turns out it was our own television downstairs.
Me: Is that those kids and that rap music?!
Julia: (laughing) You sound like that dad from DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Scotch? You'd have to be drunk to drink that.
- Julia