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Happiness Linked to Death in Old Ladies

by Michael Caulder


	Danielle, shortly after massive 'happy' coronary.

Good news for sad, old women. A new study from Raleigh N.C., whose main export until now had been cancer, indicates that mildly depressed women are less likely to die in any three year period. The conclusion is obvious, women who are old and a little sad, now have all the benefits of staying sad for a slightly longer period of time.

The report on FoxNews.com illustrates what sad, old women have known for years, life sucks:

[T]he study may support a theory advanced by University of Michigan psychiatrist Randoph M. Nesse that says mild depression may allow people to cope more easily with their problems and remove themselves from dangersou or harmful situations.

Although there has been no indication as to what the dangerous or harmful situations may be, one can only guess that they would be things like: leaving the house, laughing with friends, or petting an animal.

As of this writing a grant proposal is being drawn up to gain funding for a study in which older, happy women are put in a variety of complex and problematic situations to test their coping skills against the assumed coping skills of their sad sisters. In one such situation a grandmother of six will be hypnotized and convinced she is a lesbian who has been living a lie for nearly sixty-five years; in another, a group of teen-agers will taunt another woman until her happiness goes away; and in still another a daughter will tell her mother that she no longer loves her and won’t take her in if she has a stroke.

Unfortunately, it is anticipated that the test subjects in this experiment might not die, but merely become mildly depressed and live longer. If this happens the abuse will continue until they do die so that it can be accurately determined how much emotional abuse a happy old woman can endure until she dies.

The original study also indicates that many women make the mistake of pursuing their dreams, oftentimes failing and, presumably, passing straight through the mild depression and into the fatal depression so often associated with happiness:

According to Nesse humans may need “low mood” or mild depression to deal failure and disappointment. “People who don’t have it waste their whole lives trying to do things they won’t ever do,” he said.

Nesse’s conclusion runs contrary to conventional wisdom which says that it is better regret something you have done, than regret something you haven’t done. This comes as shockingly good news to women who regret a lifetime of bland, timid behavior, and shockingly bad news to those career-oriented gals who try to "have it all." In fact, women who try to have it all would be well-advised to give up one or more of their goals and pursue the significantly more rewarding goal of mild depression, which will result in a slight extension of their life.

Unfortunately the study is gender-specific, and no correlation between sad, old men and a longer life could be established. At this time the scientific community of Raleigh, N.C. advises that men neither pursue happiness nor sadness, so that a control group can be accurately established and it can be determined once and for all whether men who try to maintain the exact same mood for an extended period die sooner or later than other men who waver uncontrollably between being happy sometimes, and sad sometimes.